This is what I do instead of course work. Ridiculousness bordering on fan fiction.
I’ve been addicted to Gossip Girl since I was about 15. First the books and then the tv show. I went to the book signings, dutifully waited while they rumoured it would be a movie starring Lindsey Lohan, was excited for a TV show – oh the hours of Blair Waldorf – my favorite heroine, I was a little sad to see how un-exciting the Vanessa character was, loved the new Chuck Bass, spent many an hour as a devoted servant these past ten years. Now, its almost over and I’m afraid I won’t miss my old friend all that much.
Every series finale is a tragedy to me, even shows I never watched, they’re so final, it’s so hard to say good-bye to a world you can pull out of a box and envelope yourself in when things get rough out here in the real one. But Gossip Girl has lost something and for me, its likability. I won’t forgive the van der Woodsen’s for shunning Charlie, literally slamming the door in the face of the poor orphan looking for love. I can’t understand Blair and Serena still hurting each other in such unforgivable ways. I want to smack Lola every time she opens her mouth to denounce the tribe of Haves while she does the same things from her land of Have-nots. No one remembers why Elizabeth Hurley’scharacter was in the dog house so why hit her so hard Lola? Didn’t they teach you to play nice in public school?
As the season finale leaves us off repeating the sins of our past (Serena drugged up in the outer boroughs, Blair and Chuck making googly eyes and wads of cash, and Dan being a moron) I’ve started thinking about where the show is going. I’m pretty sure none of this will happen but I thought I’d imagine where it should go to please my heart of inconsequential hearts.
This is a new Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl 2.0. Gossip Girl post-recession, where their stocks have plummeted and Blair has to sell her old Chanel to pay for her newJenny Packham. The characters are older, slowly becoming more mature, and leading lives that the rest of us dream about but that are being built to last more than 24 episodes.
Charlie and Lola are gone, during their scheming they fell in love and instead of going Bonnie and Clyde on Lily’s sanctimonious ass they moved to L.A. and dressed up as those twins to get roles in a new Michael Bay film. Leaving the Upper East Side behind them is really in their best interest anyway.
Chuck and Blair got married. Officially putting the ‘will they?, why the F won’t they?’ to bed because at this point unless one of them turns into a vampire no one cares who she chooses. She has her fashion empire, which she realizes is a real job and not just a land where everyone bows when she walks by and lets her refer to them as minions. She’s busy proving her worth at a company handed to her on a silver platter while her new hubby is struggling to find a job himself. While he and Jack fight to regain their shares of the company they discover something (maybe a product or investor) and whoops actually start their own! A Gossip Girl character does good and begins on the ground with nothing but determination. What’s next an unpaid internship after their parents cut them off leaving them eating Ramen with the rest of us? Well no, that’s depressing, I’d never want to watch that without gratuitous sex and appropriately graphic foul language. (Thanks Lena Dunham).
Dan cuts his hair. This is the most important part of wherever his character goes. He can grow it longer a la John Tucker Must Die if he prefers but this length is too douchey to carry on. Has there been good press about it anywhere? He writes his novel and realizes he’s being a petty and pathetic jerk again, just like in high school. Georgina steals it and publishes it and when he scolds her realizes his life is literally repeating itself and sets about to change it. For once he write a short story about himself, tears himself a new one, and comes out an actual adult. Without the ‘why will no one play with me’ issues that have plagued him since season one he embraces the life of a hot writer on the rise. Think Tea Obrecht. He gets panned for his new novel, a derivation of his first, and sets out to become what he thinks is a real writer. He stays in creepy cabins, fights with literary agents, deals with the lonely and addictive nature of writing, not to mention the unavoidable ego that makes you think everything you have to say is important.
Nate’s company goes bust, let’s face it Nate is best suited to smoking pot not running a Fortune 500. He takes the loss well though and enrolls in college. Suddenly thinking that maybe he should know something about business or journalism before owning a newspaper. Here he meets his hot new editor at the college paper and together they form their own guerilla paper to fight against companies that are trying to use computer algorithms to write copy and save money. (Yes, that’s a real thing, I cried a little).
Last we saw, Serena was in a really awkward situation but she’s S and Salways bounces back. At a drug fueled rave over the summer she met a certain starlet who shared her illegal proclivities but also had the sense to earn a paycheck. Serena gets a part in a TV show about Upper East Siders running from a crazed-stalker (hmmm familiar), think Scream in 42 minute nuggets. It’s a massive hit and in a very special episode of Blossom… I mean Gossip Girl, Blair and Serena reconcile and Serena gets off the dope. Just circumvent her addiction the way Entourage did Vince’s self-destructive shame spiral in the final six episodes. I mean Gossip Girl got more than double that so there’s hope for a season 20 right?
Rufus finally realizes his now ex-wife (or never-wife since it wasn’t legal?) was a vile succubus but sadly also realizes he’s even dumber than his son. Where’s an illiterate ageing rock star to go? Well onto a TV dating program of course. While he and the producer-picked-winner don’t live happily ever after, he meets a hot divorcee and whisks her off to the suburbs where he is the coolest stay-at-home-dad ever to step into play group. Meanwhile, Lily and Bart reconcile, only to murder each other. Ok, that won’t work. Maybe they just decide to be miserable, selfish, filthy rich bastards together but apart. Lily shopping in Dubai, Bart brokering deals in Japan. The perfect Upper East Side marriage.
As for Gossip Girl? Nate, now that he’s a smart college joe and all, takes the footage of her theft straight to the cops who trace her website and shut her down. Who is it? Beverly Bancroft! Confused? That’s because Beverly is the house keeper’s daughter. She’s actually been in every important scene, she just wasn’t important enough to put in focus.